I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
