god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
