you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
