oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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