Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
