i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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