I want to walk on stilts...naked
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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