Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Randomize
