Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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