If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
