Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
