At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
