My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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