I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
