Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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