my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
