just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
