he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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