Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
