I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
