Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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