I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
