I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
