if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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