K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I've blown a few things in my day
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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