New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
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I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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