the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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