Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
