there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
