I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
