i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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