If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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