I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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