Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
