wanna go halves on a baby?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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