We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
