Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
