I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
