I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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