I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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