i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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