He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
