No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
