we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
