Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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