The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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