my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
