He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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