i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize