OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
