I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
