Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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