it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
