I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
