finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
