I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
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I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
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He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.