remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.