They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
