I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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