Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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