Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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