I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
