just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
